[Internal-cg] Proposal - 24 hrs review

[Martin Boyle]

I think this looks good.  However, I did have one significant question:

X013 we give the date ("estimated to occur by") as November 2015 for the CCWG work.  This is not in line with the current CCWG schedule, which gives:

*  9 October the proposal should go to the chartering organisations
*  12-21 October for SO/AC approval period (ie ending with adoption at ICANN 54)
*  22 October for submission to the ICANN Board.

It would seem to me that on 9 October we could (and should) ask the CWG for confirmation and expect to have that at the time that the chartering organisations approve the CCWG report (in other words, we want the chartering organisations to do two jobs at the same time - agree that the report meets the IANA transition requirements and adopt the report.  So we have closure at the Board meeting on 22/10.

Shouldn't our text read October to be in line with the CCWG timeline?


I've a small number of drafting suggestions which you can take or leave:

X005:  after "affiliate" (the first time the term is used and as a term from Californian (or perhaps US) law, but one that doesn't seem to be understood or mean much in other jurisdictions) I suggest that we insert ("subsidiary") after the term.

X022:  I'm not sure that this is actually correct.  I think that "The public comment process will identify the support for [or "acceptability of" is probably more accurate] the combined proposal."

X025:  I'm not sure that "independence of these roles from the contractor providing the service" makes sense.  I *think* what we want to say is "independence of the role of oversight [which will be within ICANN] from the contractor providing the service."

012:  "is expressly conditioned on" - is this a common American English formulation?  In British English we would say "expressly conditional on".  (Conditioned has a rather different meaning.) 

As I say, I'm not too bothered and don't want to get into a battle of drafting.  X025 is probably the most important as it doesn't describe an important part of the CWG model accurately.


Thanks

Martin



-----Original Message-----
From: Internal-cg [mailto:internal-cg-bounces at ianacg.org] On Behalf Of Russ Mundy
Sent: 30 July 2015 03:43
To: Jennifer Chung; Alissa Cooper
Cc: Russ Mundy; IANA etc etc Coordination Group
Subject: Re: [Internal-cg] Proposal - 24 hrs review

Thanks for all the quick work on incorporating the changes - I am fine with this version.  Russ M

On Jul 29, 2015, at 4:11 PM, Jennifer Chung <jen at icgsec.asia> wrote:

> Dear All,
> 
> Attached is v7-JC of the proposal that includes the following edits:
> - IANA requests diagram percentage of Number-related requests fixed
> - Visual summary diagram as discussed with Russ Mundy - fixed with key 
> added (Alan's request)
> 
> Dropbox link to document: http://icgsec.asia/1ShuICh Dropbox link to 
> folder: http://icgsec.asia/1OfxHW2
> 
> I note that per Martin's previous response, 
> http://mm.ianacg.org/pipermail/internal-cg_ianacg.org/2015-July/001164
> .html, no new text will be added to this particular section.
> 
> Deadline for any feedback is 05:00 UTC on July 30.
> 
> Please let me know if you have any questions.
> 
> Best Regards,
> 
> Jennifer
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Internal-cg [mailto:internal-cg-bounces at ianacg.org] On Behalf Of 
> Alissa Cooper
> Sent: Wednesday, July 29, 2015 4:46 AM
> To: IANA etc etc Coordination Group <internal-cg at ianacg.org>
> Subject: [Internal-cg] Proposal - 24 hrs review
> 
> Attached is v7 of the proposal, reflecting the changes discussed on 
> the call. There are three items not yet reflected:
> 
> - Changes to the IANA requests diagram flagged by Alan - Changes to 
> the visual summary diagram as discussed with Russ Mundy - Text related 
> to NTIA's authorization role to be provided on the mailing list by 
> Martin
> 
> I believe everything else has been captured in v7. The changes are 
> also reflected in the executive summary and have been propagated as 
> appropriate to the public comment web site.
> 
> We will turn around the diagram changes as soon as we can.
> 
> Deadline for any final feedback is 5:00 UTC on July 30.
> 
> Jennifer: please add this document to Dropbox.
> 
> Thanks,
> Alissa
> 
> <combined-proposal-v7-JC.doc>_________________________________________
> ______
> Internal-cg mailing list
> Internal-cg at mm.ianacg.org
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