[Internal-cg] Fwd: Comments on ICG proposal draft v5

[Alissa Cooper]

> Begin forwarded message:
> 
> From: Alan Barrett <alan.barrett at afrinic.net>
> Subject: Comments on ICG proposal draft v5
> Date: October 22, 2015 at 11:27:19 PM GMT+1
> To: Alissa Cooper <alissa at cooperw.in>
> 
> Dear Alissa,
> 
> I am unable to post to the ICG list right now.  Please could you forward this message.
> 
> Dear ICG members,
> 
> Here are some editorial comments on the ICG proposal draft v5.
> 
> X02: Change “is comprised of” to “is composed of”
> 
> X04: Add comma in “… provided to each of the communities, setting forth these conditions …”
> 
> X06: Add “for names” and comma in “… would become the IANA functions operator for names, in contract with ICANN.”
> 
> X07: Add “for number resources” and comma in “… serve as the IANA Functions Operator for number resources, and perform those services …”
> 
> X09: Add comma after “proposal” in "Under the combined transition proposal, …”
> 
> X27: Add “(for names)” in "While the names proposal calls for the IANA functions operator (for names) to be transferred to the PTI, …”
> 
> X33: Change “recommends to all parties to implement it” to “recommends that all affected parties should implement it”.
> 
> 004: Add comma after “1996” in "In 1996, a process was started …”
> 
> 004: Change “subsequent” to “successor” in "NTIA’s current stewardship responsibilities under a successor contract …”
> 
> 005: Expand “IFO” to “IANA Functions Operator
> 
> 007: Change “is comprised of” to “is composed of”
> 
> 017: Remove parentheses in “IANA Functions Operator for numbering functions”
> 
> 025: Add comma in "Under the combined transition proposal, …”
> 
> 026: Change “the Review Committee” to “its Review Committee” in "The numbers community would use its Review Committee …”
> 
> 052 part 3 (IFR): Add “relating to names” in "The creation of an IFR which is empowered to conduct periodic and special reviews of the IANA functions relating to names.”
> 
> 052 part 4 (CSC): Add “relating to names”, comma, and “to” in “… empowered to monitor the performance of the IANA functions relating to names, and to escalate …”
> 
> 059: Change “is clearly is clearly” to “is clearly” in "the text is clearly defined as placeholder text”
> 
> 069: Proposed replacement for second sentence: "A few commenters were opposed to the proposal because it involves the US government releasing the IANA functions contract, and a similar small number of commenters opposed the proposal on the basis that ICANN and IANA should be subject to international law and jurisdiction."
> 
> 069: Proposed edit for third sentence: Change “However” to “On the whole”.
> 
> 092: Change “IANA functions operator” to "IANA functions operator for naming functions”
> 
> 098: Change “the NTIA’s process” to “the NTIA’s process for transition of the Root Zone Management functions”
> 
> 1039: My search for incorrect use of “comprised of” found this paragraph, but it’s in the names proposal, not in the ICG’s part, so the ICG probably can’t change “be comprised of” to “be composed of”.
> 
> 
> Alan Barrett

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